WASHINGTON D.C. — A leaked merged US states map has cartographers reeling and DMV employees sighing with relief, a leaked document from the Mapping Efficiency and State Streamlining Commission (MESS) has revealed a plan to reduce the number of United States from 50 to 25. Citing “excessive license plate design clutter” and the “crippling logistical costs of manufacturing and stocking 50 unique plate designs,” the proposal outlines a plan to merge neighboring states into 25 more efficient “Super-States.”
A Bold Plan for a Streamlined Nation
A source close to the committee, who wished to remain anonymous, stated, “Frankly, our highways have become a chaotic mess of slogans. You’ve got ‘Famous Potatoes’ next to ‘The Grand Canyon State’ next to ‘First in Flight.’ It’s a vehicular identity crisis. By consolidating, we can finally bring some order to this chaos. Plus, think of the savings in sheet metal alone.”
The proposed merged US states map, which has already gone viral, is the centerpiece of the entire proposal. At first glance, it may look familiar, but closer inspection reveals a nation transformed. Borders have been erased and redrawn, creating 50% fewer states to manage, print license plates for, and write boring school reports about. Below is the full, controversial map in all its glory. Take a moment to find your new home state, and see the thoughtful changes created by MESS before we dive into some of the more interesting consequences.
Highlights from the New Merged US States Map
- Virhio: Where Virginia’s “Virginia is for Lovers” and Ohio’s “Birthplace of Aviation” will be simplified to the direct and evocative new slogan: “Aviation Lovers.”
- New Yorsey: The merger of “The Empire State” and “The Garden State” creates the powerful new “Garden Empire.”
- Calavada: Combining California (“The Golden State”) and Nevada (“The Silver State”) into the new, technically accurate slogan: “The Electrum State.”
- Snouth Carolina: Where South Carolina’s noble “While I Breathe, I Hope” meets its northern counterpart, “First in Flight,” to form a single, deeply anxious prayer for air travelers: “I Hope I Breathe In Flight.”
The Logistical Details
The logistical challenges of the merger are also being addressed with the committee’s signature logic. Washington D.C., for example, will be absorbed into the new Super-State of Marginia. A MESS spokesperson noted this finally solves the district’s long-standing issue of “Taxation Without Representation” by simply eliminating their separate status, calling it a major win for “jurisdictional streamlining.”
The committee applied similar logic to the non-contiguous state of Hawaska. Officials explained that while its two halves don’t share a border, they “have shared an inset box on maps for over 60 years,” which provided “sufficient cartographical precedent” for the union, a decision one committee member reportedly called “just common sense.”
The plan is already facing fierce culinary debate across the new Super-States. The proposed “New England Maple Clam Chowder” in Verssachusetts has reportedly been sending terrified food critics into hiding. Not to be outdone, the tourism board of New Hampine has caused its own uproar by introducing the “Pumpkin Spice Lobster Roll,” a mandatory seasonal offering intended to unify the two states.
What do you think of this bold vision for America’s future? Every new state on this merged US states map needs a champion. Check out the full map below and cast your vote in the comments for your favorite new state name. Perhaps after nearly 250 years, it’s time to literally unite the states of America.
Editor’s Note: In the spirit of creative cartography, and as a tribute to outlets like The Onion and Terrible Maps, this article is a work of SATIRE.